Let's be honest: not every person encouraging you to "fix things" with your toxic family member is doing it for you.
Some of them are tired. Tired of being the one under the microscope. Tired of absorbing the chaos. Tired of being the one the family turns on. And the fastest way out of that role? Push you back into the family system so the heat redirects.
This is not a theory. This is a pattern.
The Scapegoat Role Doesn't Disappear. It Gets Reassigned.
In narcissistic family systems and cults, roles are not fixed; they are fluid and strategic. When one person exits the scapegoat position, whether by setting limits, going low-contact, or simply refusing to play along, the system doesn't heal; it recalibrates and finds a new target. The person encouraging you to reconcile may have spent years in your shoes and knows, consciously or not, that your return means their relief.
When someone pushes you to reconcile with a toxic person, ask yourself who benefits. Sometimes they've spent years as the scapegoat and handing you back to that family takes the pressure off of them. In narcissistic systems and cults, the scapegoat role doesn't disappear. It just gets reassigned.
What This Actually Looks Like
It can look like a sibling suddenly becoming the peacemaker after years of silence. It can look like a cousin reaching out to tell you that your mother "really misses you." It can look like an aunt who has never once stood up for you now lecturing you about forgiveness and family.
Pay attention to the timing. Pay attention to what changed in the family before they reached out. Pay attention to who has the most to gain from your return.
Repair can be real. Reconciliation can be healthy. But not when it is being orchestrated by someone looking for an exit from their own suffering at your expense.
You Don't Owe Anyone Your Safety
The pressure to reconnect with toxic family members is often dressed up as love, cultural obligation, or spiritual virtue. But pressure is pressure, regardless of the packaging.
You are allowed to see the manipulation clearly without needing to call it out publicly. You are allowed to decline without writing a dissertation defending your choice. You are allowed to protect your peace without performing forgiveness you do not feel.
Your healing is not a family project. It belongs to you.
If this resonated, follow along at @roxiesafdia for more content on boundaries, family trauma, and building a life on your own terms.
