• Roxanna Safdia

Is it a grudge or is it a boundary?

Updated: Mar 25, 2021

So many (toxic) people love to confuse a grudge and a boundary to throw the person setting and/or maintaining the boundary off.

A boundary is a great thing to do when we are dealing with other people. Think of it as a little road map of what makes you, you. There’s some stuff you’re not going to be ok with. There is also some stuff you are ok with so you’re verbalizing your needs. For example: a boundary with family might be that you don’t lend people money. There’s probably a really good reason why you have arrived at this boundary. This boundary is not up to debate. It’s your boundary no matter if other people agree with it or not.

In a regular relationship, people do understand and VALIDATE other peoples boundary because they know it’s something that’s important to them. They don’t need to understand the why because they themselves have boundaries so they understand how boundaries work.

In one sided, toxic, and/or narcissistic relationships it is their job is to muddy your existing boundaries even when there is an acknowledgement of them. They like to insert all the reasons why they believe or have an issue with your own boundary. They point out how stupid it is in the first place. They also like to say how strict you’re living because you should loosen up. Living with boundaries according to them is missing out on the fun of life. Then they will insert the name of someone who lives life with zero boundaries (insert triangulation name). They point out how well they are doing (you don’t know the real truth. They could be stressed beyond belief but they are heavily brainwashed or carry the trauma well). So you start to feel bad and you start to move boundaries to ACCOMMODATE them.

Toxic people love to get you to move your boundary. They love to make you forget your why. Instead they convince you that your original why is silly because they’ve given you a new why. The new why is how you’re too struck, too sensitive, too much of anything.

👉🏽Do you have personal questions regarding boundaries? I coach on boundaries. It’s one of my favorite topics to discuss.

▫️All my sessions are confidential. They are conducted remotely through zoom.

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