Updated: Nov 16, 2020
Parents who are open to conversation even uncomfortable ones are parents who are actively modeling resiliency to the children. Parents you can do this no matter how old your children are.
I was what you call a ‘disrespectful’ child. Why? Because I had a need to ask questions to things that simply did not make sense. Then I grew up and noticed that the reasons why I never got answers is because my parents couldn’t explain abuse. So they manipulated and gaslighted instead. I would always say and still say ‘I don’t get it’ often. When I reflect the answer is the same, there is no logic to abuse. Abuse is simply trying to get power and control over another person because the abuser needs it.
Once you see the truth, you notice that some parents claim to have done the best they could but are still actively abusing by using abusive tactics to avoid these difficult conversations.
Parents: You want to have a healthy relationship with your adult children?
1. STOP ABUSING THEM INTO SUBMISSION.
2. Stop playing the victim to issues you have orchestrated and created.
3. Stop giving your actions excuses.
4. Stop gaslighting your children.
5. Admit to what you did. Open up the dialogue, fill in areas that are missing without lies, and ask your children how do they feel.
6. APOLOGIZE and mean it: enough fake apologizes. Apologize for real. If you don’t care to apologize then be honest about it too. You can both move towards low contact together.
7. Stop lying about why you don’t know why your grown children don’t talk to you. This says more about you and the level of importance you give your relationship with your own child. I’m 100% sure your child has tried to explain why they are choosing No Contact. You are the one playing the victim to gain sympathy and support from external people.
8. Give your children time to see if your words match up with your patterns. If you stop being consistent, your kids will know. Don’t feel rage/ triggered when your child doesn’t believe you right away. You haven’t been consistent or truthful at all. Giving them lovebombing gifts aren’t going to speed up the process. That’s you using abusive tactics. Adult children cease contact if you feel like you’re being lovebombed.
9. No more manipulation tactics! They are not allowed nor tolerated. We have the right to say no to any manipulation scheme. If you truly have good intentions then work on your relationship without buying their love.